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Personal Mentoring Services (PMS) is a new, exciting and highly individualized "life" service specially designed to help you navigate your life the way you desire.

You will be able to experience an immediate benefit from a collaborative relationship with your very own "personal mentor."

Why Mentoring?

The purpose of life is to live! Ultimately, it is up to you to determine how you will live and what you will do with your life. There are times when we all need an assist from a "personal mentor".

Personal Mentoring Services (PMS) is that helping hand when you need a "sage on your stage" or a "guide on your side."

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3 Simple Steps to your Personal Mentoring Services

Step 1. Submit PMS Terms of Service Authorization Form

Step 2. Choose your Mentoring Access Plan (MAP)

Step 3. Meet your Personal Mentor!

If you prefer, call us at 1-815-455-6736

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" There is an inextricable interrelationship between sin, guilt and psychopathology. In brief, we commit sin; we feel guilt; we punish ourselves. "

Dr. Larry B. Gelman

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Nugget of Gold

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Alaska had always been a life-long dream destination for a poor, inner-city kid like me, so when my wife asked what I really wanted to do for our 25th wedding anniversary, almost eighteen years ago, I jumped at the prospect of making that pipe-dream a “dream come true.” We packed our bags and with our seven year old daughter responded to my, and Jack London’s, “Call of the Wild.” Little did I anticipate the deep and profound life-lessons that our anniversary destination vacation would have on me, as a lingering, ever-present, and palpably reverberating effect to this very day! I am fond...

Old Beat-Up Violin and Two Masters

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In high school, learning to play a musical instrument was an elective requirement. The basic goal was to provide young students with a modicum of exposure to various acoustic arts by actively involving them with an opportunity to convert random noise into progressively more rule-governed audible sounds with musical tools of their choosing. I selected the violin and quickly discovered how extremely challenging it was to induce it to conform to my bidding. To my surprise and delight, the instructor, an elderly Jewish violinist, reminded me often how I seemed to have “an ear” uniquely attuned to the intricacies of this...

Difference Makers

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Students often beseech me about how critical it is for them to get an “A” in my courses. “Dr. Gelman,” they implore at semester’s start, “I need an ‘A’ in your course. I have a 4.0 so far and I just have to graduate with a perfect GPA.” A ‘perfect’ GPA is often a matter of personal pride or accomplishment. Some define it as a psychological victory; a affirmation of self-worth or vindication of having risen above life’s adversities. For others, perfectionism is the only driving benchmark; nothing less will do, as if absolutism achieves absolution. A few wily students...

“Kup Choy’s Caveat”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

During college one of my part-time jobs was unloading bags of mail from the airplanes at the O’Hare Airport postal service.At the time I was very young, very strong and very dumb but I really didn’t know how dumb I was.Whenever a caravan of mail pulled up to the unloading docks, I was the first one to arrive and the last one to finish.The task required tossing heavy, bulky nylon sacks of mail and small parcels down a chute onto a conveyor belt.Each bag would later be pulled from the line, opened and carefully sorted by other postal workers in...

"FINE"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Doctor: “How are you?”Patient: “Fine. Doctor: “What would you like to talk about today?”Patient: “Nothing much.” Doctor: “How come?”Patient: “Because I’m fine.” Doctor: “What exactly do you mean by fine?”Patient: “I thought you’d never ask!” “F” stands for fucked-up.”“I” stands for inconsolable.”“N” stands for nothingness.”“E” stands for empty.” “I’m fine!”“And how are you? Interestingly, the patient smiled when the doctor inquired as to what was meant by the use of the word, “fine.” Later it was admitted that the doctor, alone, had “passed the test” which “more than a dozen other doctors” had failed. The “test” was to see if the doctor had the authentic wherewithal to...

Mentoring Moment

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Disciple: “Lost I am, now must I what do?”Master: “A path you seek, may search I with you?” Disciple: “Direction implore I, do still I forsooth!”Master: “Illusion is maya, truth is truth.” Disciple: “Is maya of maya, not the ideal?”Master: “Illusion is illusion, only real is real.” Disciple: “Found I am, now know I my way.”Master: (Nothing need more, Master must say.) Author Note: Dr. Larry B. Gelman is a Clinical Psychologist and a Personal Mentor PMS Blog Comments Policy | PMS Copyright | PMS Disclaimer | PMS Citation Information www.personalmentoringservices.com © 2015 Northern Illinois Counseling Associates, P.C. (NICA), Personal Mentoring Services (PMS) Dr. Larry B. Gelman, Dr....

32 Edits

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I recently wrote a very short article which required 32 edits. My written work, I thought, was substandard and the message, I thought, was unclear. When I write, consistent excellence is my minimum standard and my point must be sharp and penetrating... Unless, “journalistic license” wins-out and I choose to implicate my meaning by intentional design. All works of art, I suspect, are perceived, interpreted and experienced in the subjective eye of each beholder. My writings, much like a famous inkblot test, provide the reader a standing invitation to see whatever they wish to see. It is not my intent to intend at all unless, of...

Your Choice

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

It is easy to succeed at failing. Almost anyone can achieve this simple goal. Simply start by knowing right from wrong. Then choose wrong. By choosing wrong you can’t go right. (Except that three left turns make a right). Because when you choose not right... You have made your choice. All that remains is for you to act upon it. It is easy to succeed at succeeding. Almost anyone can achieve this simple goal. Simply start by knowing right from wrong. Then choose right. By choosing right you can’t go wrong. (Except that three right turns make a left). Because when you choose not wrong... You have made your choice. All that remains is for you to...

The Fulcrum of Truth

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Imagine a teeter-totter on a playground. The balance-point or center is called the fulcrum. Now think of the word: T-R-U-T-H equally positioned on the teeter-totter. Where is the fulcrum? It’s U! Now think of the word: T-R-U-S-T equally positioned on the teeter-totter.Where is the fulcrum? Again, it’s U! Take a breath.Hold it.Exhale. Think long and hard and deep.Consider what this means. If U are the fulcrum of your truth...And if U are the fulcrum of your trust...Then U are the fulcrum of you! The balance-point or center of the truth of your trust and the trust in your truth must always be U.Unless you squander it away and subordinate the...

"Time Heals" Absolutely Nothing!

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

It is said that “time heals all wounds...” But I know that “time heals” absolutely nothing! Time is a very clever hypothetical construct. It can be defined in a great many ways... But it must not be defined in all ways. There is a certain palpable relativity... To the absoluteness of the construct. If you think about it a little bit... I think you will see, perhaps, A little bit of what I mean. Because what passes with the passage of time... Is just time! That is to say, Time passes with the passage of time! But time, per se, Is only a hypothetical construct... And its length, per se, Only a relative unit of temporal measure. No...

“PSYCHOBIOSOCIOGEOPOLITICOECONOMIC”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In my opinion, symptoms, typically, do not occur within a vacuum but, rather, within an ‘n’-dimensional, multi-latticed, multi-tiered, multi-multipled context! This multi-dimensioned context provides a crucial staging ground from within which, and out from which, the adaptive meaning, purpose and value of any given “symptom” becomes readily identifiable and, eventually, understandable, albeit, relative to its experienced context. The context is, simultaneously, one which is predicated upon a certain “consensual reality,” as well as, the “subjective experiential reality” of the individual (or group) afflicted by their unique or particular symptoms. Years ago, it occurred to me that an “effect” could, theoretically, be a result...

Roses and Thorns

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

The task in the beginning is to learn to love self. This is accomplished by the provision of healthy caretaker inputs from outside-in. A child must first be loved, in order to learn how to experience love, in order to learn how to love. Learning to love your self is a crucial developmental task for love to have experiential personal meaning. The root word of the root word in meaning is the first two letters or the word formed by “m” + “e” = “me”. Meaning is often self-centered, self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing because the focus is on “me”. With me, myself brings me to I and...

Simple!

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

It is a simple error of logic to think that with the passage of time and the scientific assertion of evolution as a positive consequence of “natural selection,” that modern day human beings are so complexly different from our prehistoric ancestors. Comparison of our respective limbic systems would likely reveal not all that much substantive difference between us. Does anyone honestly believe that if modern man, or cave man, was confronted with a hungry saber tooth tiger, a “40 day and 40 night” long flood or an unremitting toothache that either would react emotionally all that differently? Our emotional fight-flight system is inherently...

Once A Murderer

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

“Once a murderer, always a murderer.” I have pondered these words for years. Is it really true? If someone commits a sin, must they, forever, remain a sinner? We recall King David as “the giant slayer” who became a wise and good ruler. Yet he coveted his best friend’s wife and killed him to take her as his own. Was he a great man or a liar, thief and cheat; worse, yet, a murderer? A young doctor, over-estimating his surgical skill, operates prematurely on his patient and she dies. The physician learns from his mistake and is scrupulous, thereafter, with all diagnosis and treatment. He becomes renowned the world-over,...

What Are You Worth?

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Many people I have encountered over the years erroneously believe they are “worth” what they want to be “worth,” what they hope to be “worth,” or even what they idealize themselves to be “worth.” Those who are extremely concrete and literal, incorrectly, assess what they are “worth” by the “bottom line” of their financial portfolio or the kinds of “perks” they have at work or the “pedigree” of their material possessions. In my opinion, however, “you’re worth what you settle for!” How many times have you heard someone proclaim that they would “never tolerate an abusive spouse” and yet, even if they divorce,...

Love Lessons

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

All of the circumstances, events and happenings associated with the gradual awakening that we are born, live and die, invite deep thought as to which developmental tasks are required of every individual to successfully navigate and integrate each of these rewarding and perilous passages. The first crucible that birth confronts us with is the Herculean task of learning to love our Self. This is complicated because, in order for us to succeed on this test, we require habilitative and rehabilitative inputs and reactions to tasks from “outside-in” over a very long period of time and also what happens during the passage...

How to Be a Good “Crazy” Person!

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Many years ago I stumbled upon the ‘secret formula’ of how to be a good “crazy” person:Simply live your life in such a way that you “know you know and know you mustn’t...”Then whatever follows can only remain a compensatory adaptation to living your life a lie! The ‘antidote’ is equally straightforward:When you “know you know, and know, and act accordingly and consistently with that which you know...”Then whatever follows can only result in living your life a truth! I suspect that most of us “know” what we “know” even when we don’t “know” how we “know.”In addition, we often “know” when...

“Secret Keeper!”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

“Listen...” “Do you want to know a secret?” “Do you promise not to tell?” Well, I have a really terrific secret for you. I am a “secret keeper!” A real, dyed-in-the-wool secret keeper. I keep secrets, secret! Not every secret, but most every secret. If you are a danger to your self... If you are a danger to others... If you cannot take care of yourself... If you cannot provide for your daily basic needs... If you are abusing or neglecting minors under the age of 18 years of age... If you are abusing or neglecting seniors 62 years of age and older... If you are spreading disease and pose a threat to public...

“I Am Not A Man...”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

For much of my professional career as a practicing clinical psychologist, I have articulated a sincere and explicit sentiment with virtually every adult female client and, usually by the end of the first session, that within the context of our professional relationship, “I am not a man but a doctor!” My reason has been to continually remind myself of what I will never know, as a man, about being female in the world! I am often fond of saying that “men live in the world of men but women live in the world of women and they must also live in the...

Pain

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

On November 8, 2010 I had an L2-S1 spinal fusion with multiple discectomies and multiple laminectomies to address degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis and spinal scoliosis. Orthopedic experts were uncertain as to causality, however, I suspect that my sitting for 10-to 14 hours a day as a clinical psychologist for almost four decades coupled with rigorous martial arts training for almost twenty years may have played a contributory role in my affliction along with inherited and constitutional factors. The surgery reportedly required more than 10 hours to successfully complete and surgical staff were quick to apprise me that “there were a...

The Three Legged Stool of Character

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

“Character” is a “three-legged stool.” It is who you are when everything is going your way.It is who you are when nothing is going your way.It is who you are when no one is looking. The three legs do not have to be even. But the “stool” must be able to stand on its own.One leg may be longer or shorter or larger or smaller.But the “stool” must be able to stand on its own. The interesting thing about “character” is that everything matters and that everthing is connected to everything all the time. The person you want to become actually depends upon who you...

Redundant Systems

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

There is a “rule of thirds” which skilled mariners utilize to assess how far out into the deep blue sea they can go before they run out of fuel and can no longer safely return to their port of departure. Use a 1/3rd to get to where you are going, use 1/3rd to return from whence you came and keep a 1/3rd in reserve in case you run into any unanticipated problems, detours, delays or systems-malfunctions. The crucial lesson to be learned is to always be prepared for the unexpected by expecting that Murphy had the right idea when he proclaimed that...

Chosen

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

No one wants to be the one who is not “chosen.”There is almost always a sense that the “final selection” is, ultimately, unfair to one or more of the principals...As well as, inevitable questions being raised about one or more unfair criteria utilized in the selection-process. We may ask, rhetorically, what about the “chosen” one is any better than anyone else?Why was so-and-so “chosen” and I was “not chosen?”And, vice-a-versa, if applicable. Deep-down, we, intuitively, know that “everyone should be treated equally.”Or, at least, we presume they ought to be, apart from the “accidental” circumstances of birth...As a fundamental, self-evident and inalienable...

"You are Pranam!"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Many years ago, when our practice served as a training center for doctoral candidates in clinical and counseling psychology, I recall supervising an intern from a foreign land who, despite my best efforts to injunct her from standing at attention whenever I entered the room, never paid heed to my entreaties for her to cease and desist. One day, following a rather intensive supervision session, in which the clinical issues initially referenced by her as primarily “patient” problems were subsequently interpreted by me, as the counter-transferential projections of her own “personal” issues onto those very patients, she gasped, blushed, and then...

"I Am..."

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Master: “Who are you?” Disciple #1: “I am a human being in the process of becoming.” Disciple #2: “I am a human being in-process.” Disciple #3: “I am a human being.” Disciple #4: “I am a human.” Disciple #5: “I am a being.” Disciple #6: “I am being.” Disciple #7: “I am.” Disciple #8: “I.” Disciple #9: “I am not I.” Disciple #10: “I am not that I am and I am not that I am not.” Disciple #11: “I am s/he who shall forever be called nameless.” Disciple #12: (Awakened, breathing and smiling). Author Note: Dr. Larry B. Gelman is a Clinical Psychologist and a Personal Mentor PMS Blog Comments Policy | PMS...

"Numbers Are Good!"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

She started to panic.“Are you ok?” “No!”“Something wrong?” “Yes, I feel faint.”“What do you need?” “Do you have any sugar?”“How about some honey in tea?” “Perfect”, said she.“Crackers, too?” “That will do!”“Diabetic, are you?” “Yes.”“Last time you checked?” “Blood sugar?”“Yes.” “This morning.”“What did it show?” “Numbers are good!”“Could readings be wrong?” “Numbers are good!”“Could tester be flawed?” “Numbers are good!”“Could diet be an issue?” “Numbers are good!Could drug-interactions be a problem? “Numbers are good!”“But you’re clearly not!” “Maybe numbers aren’t so good?”“Hmm”, said I. “But the numbers said...”“Ah, the numbers said!” And then, I said: “Numbers are numbers...And good is good... But if you’re not good...Then you’re not good... Even if numbers are good.”“Hmm”, said she. Author Note: Dr. Larry...

Late, Later, Latest… Too Late

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

"Writing on the Wall"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I recall applying for an internal management position at my then place of full-time employment almost thirty years ago. My friendly competition included two candidates, both of whom, I often professionally supervised on an informal collegial basis at their request. Of the three applicants, I was the only one to have been credentialed with a doctorate and all of the requisite job-related experience by comparison. “On paper,” I thought I was the “obvious choice” but I soon realized that I was mistaken because the job went to the least qualified person. I was shocked and requested a meeting with one of the administrative decision-makers...

Begins With the Person

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Personal Mentoring Services begins with the person. If I am the designated mentor, it starts with me. If you are the identified protégé, it starts with you. Each person, from their respective frame of reference, is their own unit of relevance, for the collaborative igniting of the “personal” mentoring process. Mentoring is a verb. At first glance, it denotes action. Nothing happens if nothing is done. Something happens if something is done. What is necessary that must be done? Whatever is necessary that must be done! Consequently, to mentor and to be mentored (as a protégé) is to do something actionable. However,...

Reaction vs. Response

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Do you know the difference between a reaction and a response? Consider a marionette which is a puppet manipulated by the puppet master or marionetteer. When the strings are pulled, the marionette reacts in a passive and dependent manner. It has no choice but to do the bidding of its puppet master because it is only just a puppet. Whenever any string is pulled, a predictable reaction follows. This is stimulus-response psychology at an extremely primitive level. For each and every stimulus, a corresponding response follows. However, in strict linguistic terms, the response is actually a stimulus-bound reaction. The reaction is field-dependent upon a specific stimulus which triggers...

Infrastructure

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

What carpenter in their “right mind” would begin to build a house by starting with the roof?What parent would give their 6 year old keys to the family car before they could ride a bicycle?What employer would promote an entry-level worker to a key executive position on the first day of hire? In the absence of “infrastructure,” you ain’t got nothing!Infrastructure means investing in the basics from the bottom-up.The “basics” are the foundation stones upon which a structure can emerge. Infrastructure can be something as innocuous as getting a good night’s sleep...On a comfortable bed and pillow...With clean bedding and a warm...

Inciting Insight and Activating Action

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

The purpose of my writing is to “incite insight” and to “activate action.” I have no objection to ideas and efforts which differ from my own. In fact, I welcome them. My humble goal is to think and judge and act for myself. Along the way, I may have an opportunity to invite others to think and judge and act for themselves but only if they are receptive to my voice. Truly, I am unaware of any particular need for me to be right or to foist my particular way upon anyone else. I am but only one small voice in a universe filled with many...

Silver Linings

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Depression among the elderly. The thought assaults the senses. One conjures images of wintered, diminished existences: life as relentless despair. See the dispirited old man, once proud and vital, now sad eyes glazed and emptied; the fractured, frail widow, demoralized and destitute, incapable of making basic decisions she too long deferred to others. The images fade to futility, bleak loneliness, and resignation - a living death. Depression is not an inescapable denouement of aging. We are no longer fated to dysphoric obsolescence. Indeed, more than ever, seniors live longer, vital and productive lives, filled with joy and purpose. Conversely, depression...

Living with Regret

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Regret is that state of being, which occurs either momentarily and/or for all eternity, in which the person living with regret, has chosen, of their own free will, to act or to behave in a manner, which results in a harm to self and/or to another. In other words, regret is generally an avoidable consequence when infractible behavior fails to occur. What might this mean to an individual who wants to live their life without regret? Do no harm! If you give your word, keep it. If you believe in something, stand for it, support it, fight for it. Walk the...

The Organ Grinder's Monkey

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Emerson reminds us that while “one may serve many masters, he shall give himself to none.” Phrased a bit differently, we eventually need to choose to whom we will allocate our resources of blood, sweat and tears. It is my contention that, by deluding ourselves into believing that we can successfully serve everybody, we will eventually discover that, in reality, we can only succeed in providing a service, “good and true,” to nobody. In such a scenario, we are now condemned to the role of the organ grinder’s monkey such that whosoever can wind us up and turn the screws, so to...

Three Questions to "Know Thyself"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In my opinion, there are three questions to ask and to answer, as honestly as possible, in order to “know thyself.” #1. Who are you?#2. What is important to live for?#3. What are you doing about it? The apparent simplicity of these three questions belie the true complexity of the life-long self-discovery process to reveal the three answers which are correct, at core, for you. “Who are you?” is a deceptively inviting three-word interrogatory for “who are you and how did you come to be the unique person you are today.” The question obliges the respondent to think very carefully on these matters...

Winners and Losers

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

The problem with “winners” is that the “losers” almost invariably seek revenge and retaliation. And when the “losers” eventually become the “winners,” the process recapitulates itself, ad infinitum. Human beings seem to innately discern, very quickly, what is deemed to be “fair” or “not fair.” When someone believes they have been treated “not fair” the feelings engendered often are to “get even.” By “leveling-the-playing-field” and “making the other guy pay” we seek to “even the score.” Of course, a “tied-score” gets all combatants to “even” or the equivalent of being “zero-ed-out.” At “zero,” there can be no compelling justification for “the thrill of...

Responsibility

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

What is the root word in responsible? Might it be “response?” We know from various noted references that the construct of responsibility conveys a sense of moral obligation or accountability, usually, to another (or to oneself). However, what specific response is needed, wanted or required in order for a responsible reckoning to result? It seems pretty obvious to me that responsible people always take full and complete responsibility for all requisite responses which, necessarily, must follow good actions and, especially, must follow bad actions, insofar, as it is in the resulting consequences of those actions which the doer is obliged to...

Child's Lament

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Is life so dear Or death so near That victories are our food? Competition is tough And winning is rough And our mannerisms are crude. Is striving for gains Or wracking our brains For wealth and ugly power... All that we are living for In these rugged Uncomfortable hours? Author Note: Dr. Larry B. Gelman is a Clinical Psychologist and a Personal Mentor PMS Blog Comments Policy | PMS Copyright | PMS Disclaimer | PMS Citation Information www.personalmentoringservices.com © 2016 Northern Illinois Counseling Associates, P.C. (NICA), Personal Mentoring Services (PMS) Dr. Larry B. Gelman, Dr. Glenn B. Gelman, All Rights Reserved.

Mastery

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I used to think that mastery was a function of education, training and experience over time, place and circumstance. I was dead wrong! Mastery, like ethics, I suspect, is an aspirational goal. As such, it is not an end-point along a singular way; rather, it is one of many ways to achieve a useful result. One can “master” the alphabet, however, the use of letters to create meaning from words is a life-long process. Competence in the utilization of building blocks does not guarantee becoming a master builder. Of course, there are technical skills which necessitate high levels of proficiency to render a service “good and...

My Bout with the Flue

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

One winter windy city weekend in 1984, my wife, Barbara, and I were nearly killed by a squirrel but were saved by two dogs – and my sister. The weekend promised to be uneventful. Typical frigid February, Chicago-style, blustery wind, blistering wind chill, sub-zero deep-freeze temperatures, windows shuttered, furnace on, non-stop, and us keeping warm in our cozy (read: very small) Evanston starter home. We planned to stay inside the entire weekend. I was working feverishly on my dissertation and Barbara was catching up on paperwork and house-cleaning. Sometime on Friday, unbeknownst to us, a squirrel fell down the chimney...

“, for now.”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

No matter what major, moderate or minor crisis, challenge or conundrum you face in any area of your life, please consider adding the words “, for now” to the end of any thought or communication about your problem or concern. The phrase, “, for now” is a constant reminder that when “stuff happens,” it is usually reasonable to expect that any “hope, wish, and prayer” for both people and circumstances to change are likely over time, space, and perspective. “Nothing lasts forever” even though it may seem, otherwise, so whatever may appear to be the case in a particular moment...

My Eulogy

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

As I confront my mortality, it occurs to me that when I die, there will probably be one or two individuals who may feel some compulsion “to say a few words,” in memoriam. While I have no plans of leaving this world soon, “anything can happen at any time for no good reason” and when my time is finished, those one or two individuals may need to give their voice to the life of my life in my death. I suspect that a eulogy serves several simultaneous purposes, insofar, as it allows the bereaved to reconcile their loss with “something nice to...

How High is Up?

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I was immediately hooked on philosophy when a graduate professor in the department of philosophy was forced by his department head to teach an introductory class due to the unexpected withdrawal from the academic commitment by an undergraduate itinerant instructor more than forty years ago. The graduate professor was irritated that he had been ordered to teach first semester freshman who were right out of high school and, who were, to his way of thinking, wholly incapable of thinking at a level barely exceeding those of their primate cousins just a mere 1% or so removed from the full complement of...

Good Servers

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

A “good server” provides a “good service” by filling a need and, thereby, rendering a valuable service “good and true.” “Good servers” provide “good service” and serve their end-user, client or customer very well, indeed! “Bad servers” leave a bad taste in the mouths of all those they fail to properly serve and none are well-served. Without “good servers” “good service” is not provided and goods or services will not be good. With “good servers,” “good service” is provided and goods and services will be good by all those who are served. “Good servers” are necessary to every service-delivery system, without which, the delivery system...

"Could Always Be Worse"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Editor's note: In this simple 4-line quixotic quatrain, Dr. Larry offers a profound commentary about our fleeting lives and the importance of maintaining a balanced perspective. We’re born. We live. We die. Could always be worse! Author Note: Dr. Larry B. Gelman is a Clinical Psychologist and a Personal Mentor PMS Blog Comments Policy | PMS Copyright | PMS Disclaimer | PMS Citation Information www.personalmentoringservices.com © 2015 Northern Illinois Counseling Associates, P.C. (NICA), Personal Mentoring Services (PMS) Dr. Larry B. Gelman, Dr. Glenn B. Gelman, All Rights Reserved.

The Thinker

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In quiet moments when I am in deep contemplative thought, pretending I have introduced myself to a new imaginary playmate, I increasingly find myself conjuring a brief conversation with Rodin’s sculpture, The Thinker. While I certainly appreciate that the artist may have been motivated by forces, either demonic or divine, and intended an entirely different “take” in his own mind, as an appreciative observer, my own “take,” I submit, is mine. As I view The Thinker what I perceive is an extremely powerful figure who, appears “larger-than-life” and seems capable of achieving any goal he sets his mind to, yet remains deep...

"Gap Between Thoughts"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

What does it mean when the “master” encourages the “disciple” to “contemplate the gap between thoughts? Exactly what is expected of the “disciple” to satisfy the “master” by tackling such an impossible assignment? Is there really ever any meaning, purpose and value which derives and obtains from contemplating anything? The problem with this task is that the moment you contemplate, or think about, what you are supposed to do, you have already succeeded at failing because the intended deeper goal is to contemplate how to contemplate in the ways you need to contemplate not to contemplate in order to become “at-one’ with...

"Assertiveness Formula"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Have we got a terrific deal for all you boys and girls today! Only one to a customer but, shhh, you have our unrestricted permission to faithfully use our special “assertiveness formula” as often as you want! You will absolutely, positively improve your communication and conflict resolution competencies with each use, guaranteed, or your money back! However, you must act right now! If you wait to long, I am sorry to inform you that you will surely lose. This is a “once-in-a-lifetime” opportunity and the stakes are high. So without any further ado or hullabaloo... Hurry, hurry, hurry folks! If you prefer not luck but skill... Step right up...

5 Answers to Every Question

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In my opinion, there are at least 5 answers to every question! 1. A 2. B 3. Both A and B 4. Neither A and B 5. Or something else we’re not smart-enough to know right now. The typical reply to a question is usually positional or A. The typical counter reply is usually oppositional, i.e., not A, or B. A: “The sky is blue.”B: “The sky is not blue.” A: “My religion is the one and only true religion.”B: “Your religion is not the one and only true religion.” A: “I’m OK, you’re not.”B: “No, I’m OK, you’re not.” When we dichotomize our answers and consider only A or B,...

The Dance of Relationships

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Relationships between a man and a woman are like a dance. With a dance, we have been taught that “the man leads, the woman follows.” However, in my opinion, the man leads by following the woman to lead him. The woman follows by leading the man to follow her. Consider my version, on psychological grounds, of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Adam is created first, therefore, he leads; Eve is created second, therefore, she follows. (“Let he who would be first, be last and serve the rest.”) The ’deal’ is for as long as Adam and Eve do not partake from the fruit of...

The Dandelion and the Rose

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

As a young child, I was extremely curious about why so many of the adults around me considered dandelions to be a weed, especially, when dandelions seemed pretty-enough, in my opinion, to simply be a flower of a different kind. Another intriguing observation for me was that many of my neighbors appeared to become frantically obsessed with pulling weeds whenever new weeds reared their youthful stems and shoots, either on their grassy lawns or gardens. To digress, momentarily, an esteemed colleague recently provided me with a fascinating education about the old practice of “walkin’ beans,” which she claimed to have done frequently...

“2nd Hardest Thing”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

“The 2nd hardest thing that any one of us will ever have to do in our lives is to get up out of bed each morning!” When you get up out of bed, you have made an affirmative choice to pursue a pathway to engage in self-agency as your own prime agent. The first pathway is to be passive and dependent with you watching and waiting to see what will happen. The second pathway is to be active and independent with you doing something to make something happen. The third pathway is to be a frozen sculpture in space and time and to hope...

Safe, Healthy, Happy

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

What do parents really and truly want for their children? We want them to be “safe, healthy and happy.” Everything else is “frosting on the cake.” Parents can survive anything save for the loss of their child. If a child is dead “all hope is lost.” If a child is alive “anything is possible.” It is my contention that we best protect our children from life by inoculating them with life... In doses commensurate with their readiness, willingness and ability... To navigate and integrate the experience. Along the way, our kids will get their fair share of “boo-boos” and they will fall down. All good parents will try to kiss...

Two-To-The-Third

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Every good carpenter knows the ’old saw’ to “measure twice, cut once.” The idea is to check and re-check the correct measurement because once you cut you cannot re-cut. If you cut according to specifications, you are usually “good-to-go.” If you do not cut according to specifications you are usually “in trouble!” Some measures in life are complicated and it is not always clear exactly where to “cut.” So my suggestion during those moments is to consider “two-to-the-third” (or “2-cubed”). Said differently: “think twice and twice again and twice more.” Each time you “think” utilizing this method you will have considered where to “cut” eight times... Because 2...

"Baby Adult"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I am indebted to my wife for instructing me how to view our then-24 year old daughter who, while increasingly more capable of fending for herself, might, on occasion have a transient meltdown, necessitating an assist, from either one or both of her parents, coupled with judicious application of just the right kind and amount of TLC. It seems that when we were her age, my wife and I were already grown-up. Well, sort of, because in retrospect, I can now better appreciate how long it takes to cook-up a healthy, mature adult. But when we were that age, we had...

"I Ain't Got None"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

My love of words was engendered by my mother. She was a master at feeding her three small children as a single parent with nary a nickel to work with and yet she always was able to cook-up a concatination (i.e., plethora) of etymologic sustenance. Words were requisite ingredients to cook-up lofty ideas and aspirational values associated with high hopes, dreams and good wishes. Interestingly, while her vocabulary was not particularly erudite she had a predilection for artful linguistic structure and, as an interesting aside, her penmanship was artful, too. I vividly recall one particular Saturday morning when I was just...

The Cause of Death

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

There is an old joke that “the cause of death for everyone is life!” It has also been said that “the moment you are born, you begin to die.” Admittedly, some people are living to die while other people are dying to live. Is life the cause of death or is death the cause of life? The physicists remind us that “nothing is created and nothing is destroyed.” Matter and energy are supposedly completely interchangeable. At least, they become the other when each cease to exist as they were before. The seasons provide one powerful model for the circle of life as we know it. “One season following...

Just This Much!

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I recall sitting in my third-grade classroom, looking at the other children sitting at their classroom desks and lazily wondering just what the critical differential was between poor, fair, good, excellent and superior outcomes. As fate would have it, some workmen were replacing drywall in our classroom that very day and I was immediately struck by how quickly the wall was going up with visible measures and cuts without particularly exacting precision. It was always a matter of great speculation for me about why some people seemed to perform better than others even when they appeared less natively gifted while others who...

"I Count Grains of Sand"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

He was but a humble young adult visitor from a foreign land, a guest in the home of a very wealthy older man.Opulence, bordering on decadence, permeated every room of the host’s palacial estate. A clever psychopath-in-disguise and less-than-honorable man, the elder made a most striking first impression!Who was this heavily monied individual with visible means beyond compare, thought the wide-eyed foreign lad. Timidly, he queried his host: “Sir, what exactly is it that you do?”Whereupon, followed a most unusual and dismissive reply: “I count grains of sand.” No further discussion ensued for how could it as the answer stopped the question completely...

Whole and Holey

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

When I think of the personal mentors in my life, I am reminded of their sage insights, their discerning candor, and the genuineness of their own “walk.” Mostly, I recall their unflagging commitment to me – guiding me forward, sometimes back, often up and down and around, and sideways a few times, to be sure, but always in service of me – and my personal growth and development. My personal mentors took nothing for granted and were grateful for everything. They sought meaning every day, in every act, and within each moment - carpe diem. They engaged living with awe and...

“It’s Only 8 Hours, Sonny Boy!”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

It was just a part-time job during the summer between my third and fourth year of high school. Not quite 16 and I was the designated quality-control inspector at a major tool manufacturing company in Chicago. Much to my genuine surprise, I was given with the sole discretionary authority to shut down the production line if there were any problems identified or even suspected by my youthful eagle-eye. Although I took great pride in my work and sought to always do my very best, I must confess how much I thoroughly loathed my job! Worse still, I could not for the...

Judo Lesson

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

No student was permitted to study judo by my martial arts grandmaster until they had earned a black belt in tai kwon do. The belief was that tai kwon do made you strong from the outside-in, whereas, judo made you strong from the inside-out. I can honestly say that my judo training was the most strenuous physical activity I ever experienced. One day, when I was a yellow belt (the color following white), we had a visiting red belt (the color preceding black) student from a sister-school, with whom I was partnered, as we learned a complex new leg and hip...

Now

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

The moment of ”now” is the nodal point connecting historicity with teleology, or more simply, past with future in the present. The past is over-and-done-with unless it is represented in the moment of the now in some way. The future is a fictional expectation unless it is represented in the moment of the now in some way. Now is both a noun and also a verb because in human terms it is alive for us...now. If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Excepting for the tree, if no one is around,...

Robbed at Gunpoint

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Robbed at gunpoint by only three men.Three against one seemed like overkill then. Money they wanted and demanded it now.If I refused, they promised to shoot me...pow! I said, if you please, a moment will I need.Assessing if I ought to acquiesce or bleed. Surprised were their faces when asked I for time.We got the gun, sucker; can drop you on a dime! Gun pointed directly an inch from my chest.Heart pounding furiously unable to rest. Thought crossed my mind, I might fight my way out.But then quickly realized I could not even shout. Said gun grew larger, a real Colt 45.Knew I had slim chance...

Foot-In-The-Garbage-Can

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Have you ever found yourself deep into something besmirching which was really messy, icky or dirty in your life? If so, consider my counseling and mentoring visual metaphor of a foot-in-the-garbage can. In fact, I challenge you to actually do it right now! Find a garbage can to accommodate your foot and stick it as far down and as deep into the container as possible. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth several times in rhythmic fashion to calm yourself. Contemplate your predicament. Ascertain very deeply how you got into the situation in the first place. Give some considered consideration to how it all feels. Lastly,...

“It’s All Good”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I am indebted to my sister, Brenda, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for mentoring me with the phrase “it’s all good.” You see, Brenda has had her fair share of trials and tribulations in this world, which would have probably brought a lesser, characterologically-intact, person to their knees begging for mercy and looking for any way out. But not my baby sister for whom the motto “it’s all good” is a clarion call to arms, vis-a-vis, the moral road less-travelled in the face of chronic, insufferable and unremitting adversity. Brenda has struggled with thyroid cancer replete with multiple associated auto-immune disorders which has...

Breaking a Board

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Somewhere between white belt and black belt, thirty-five years ago or so, I recall one promotional examination where the testing requirement from the grandmaster was for the student to break a one inch pine board with a simple reverse punch. The board was carefully held by two black belt students about as high as their solar plexus and I was given an opportunity to make sure the board was positioned to my satisfaction prior to my attempt at breaking it. A large audience of onlookers was present, consisting mostly of family, friends and martial arts students of varying belt levels along with...

Rafting the Colorado

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Not quite twenty-six years ago, my wife, daughter and I rafted the Colorado River with an experienced river guide. The expectations were explicitly communicated by her advising us to “... remain in the raft at all times and follow my instructions to the letter without fail.” Also, if, by chance, we were ejected from the raft for any reason, the guidance was to “immediately assume a fetal position so your toes or feet won’t be trapped by the rocks below, otherwise, the surging river will then drown you.” It was exciting, if not, altogether, quite exhilarating as we donned our life...

"Feelings Aren't Right"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

“Feelings aren’t right.”They simply exist to orient us to what we need, want or require. Affective experience is an ontogenetic precursor to cognition.Developmentally, feelings occur long before our thinking with language is possible. As such, feelings are pre-verbal and pre-logical.Again, they simply exist to orient us to what we need, want or require. A feeling is a transitory emotional state which will vary according to context.To state this point differently, all feelings are subject to change! Affective experience is the emotional iceberg below the visible tip of the felt feeling.It comprises any given feeling in relation to the experiencing of the entire experience. If it...

I Might Just Piss You Off!

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Not that I wish to offend, but sometimes I must.The truth hurts and so, too, does a lie. “Mirror, mirror on the wall...” am I the fairest one of all?Of course you are! After all, who wouldn’t see just how very special you are?Except for the fact that you are not always right. Or good. Or kind. Or considerate. Or respectful.In fact, sometimes, you are wrong! And nasty. And mean. And selfish. And spiteful.True or false? Here is where I can help.With a passionate calling to counsel and to mentor. Confess-conceal, pretend-be real!To get from here to there, just sometimes... You need a push and, just sometimes...You...

Bullying

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I grew up in a fairly rough Chicago neighborhood. Gangs were everywhere and the girl-gang was, especially, scary! But the bottom-line was there was a “code” and a “pecking-order.” Invariably, the “big peckers” were surrounded by “little peckers.” Pecking someone down was designed to establish relative hierarchical position, status and turf. In the neighborhood I lived in, jockeying for your place meant the difference between life and death. Well, more symbolically, you either decided to “stand your ground” or you chose to “give up without a fight.” In prisons, the inmate who is beaten and raped but defends himself every time is someone to be respected. The one...

Catching a Chimp

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I once heard a story; About a very clever method; For catching a chimp. To be sure, I confess; I am truly uncertain; As to the true veracity of the tale; Yet, whether true or false; The implications are; Quite utterly profound! Start with an elongated; Heavy metal or ceramic urn; New or used will do; Do not monkey around! Put a tasty banana; Or olfactorily-pleasing cookie; At the very bottom; Of the weighty container; Now simply relax and wait; For soon you will see; A curious chimp; Actually a chimpanzee; Will sniff a tempting treat; With greed and desire; Arm fully extended; Hand fully opened; Reaching deep-down; Into and through; Such a narrow limiting orifice; Of a bulky, hulking, receptacle; Laden with cookie as food; Or perhaps banana as...

"Oomph!"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

I’ve always been infatuated with the word “oomph!”I like the way it sounds akin to a traditional Zen “mantra.” The sound seduces all with an “oom” at the start,And concludes with a powerful “ph” sound at the end. If you listen carefully, what do the sounds of each enunciated word elicit deeply within you?Especially, if you string-out the “o” in “om” to say “o-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-m;”Or if you exaggerate the “oo” in “oomph” to say “oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-mm-mm-mm-ph-phph?” The other appeal of the word “oomph” is how it subjectively feels internally.For me, there is a palpable emotional tone which invites both serious and vivacious participation. I recall an...

"Mop's Here..."

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

He was a “full-bird Colonel," of Napoleonic stature, always with an enormous Churchill in his mouth. The highest ranking officer of our army medical reserve unit and the rest of “the brass,” along with the rest of the troops, held him in singular high regard since he was the only soldier amongst us who had direct combat experience having previously served in a “real” war. I was barely 18 years of age and only a lowly Private assigned to the tedium of “shuffling paperwork.” Not quite comfortable in my new military uniform, I couldn’t help but notice how “the old...

Sin, Guilt and Psychopathology Revisited

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

O. Hobart Mowrer, the noted psychologist, reminds us of the inextricable interrelationship between sin, guilt and psychopathology. In brief, we commit sin; we feel guilt; we punish ourselves. As I ponder Mowrer’s notion, it occurs to me that the commission of a sin does not, necessarily, need to occur first. Nothing prevents an individual who feels guilty, for example, to trigger the vicious circularity of Mowrer’s insidious triadic process. The same applies to intropunitiveness as sometimes “it hurts so good,” to flagellate oneself so bad, in order to trick oneself into believing that one has atoned by some form of expiation, undoing...

“3+/-E’s”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

In my opinion, there are three positive (+) or good “E’s” and three negative (-) or bad “E’s”. The first good “E” is to be “Effective.” To do what you set out to do.To finish what you started.To do it correctly, preferably the first time.To achieve the desired result. If you are not effective, then you are ineffective. To not do what you set out to do.To not finish what you started.To not do it correctly the first time.To not achieve the desired result. Effective is good; ineffective is less good but not, necessarily, bad. Because you can do more of what you set out to...

The Recital

Written by Glenn B. Gelman, Psy.D.

The children squirmed anxiously, eagerly, bedazzled by the hustle-bustle flurry about them. Mothers worked at fever‑pitch, mending leotards, pinning tutus, making last‑minute alterations to hemlines. Expectant fathers fidgeted, and, as if a bit out of place, busied themselves by checking and rechecking their camcorders. Grandparents bounced babies on their laps or just waited, patiently. The lights flickered, then dimmed. Rehearsal after rehearsal behind them, the little dancers practiced and readied, the curtain drew open. The recital began. Seated at the back of the theater near the exit, an elderly man and woman rested quietly. From how they were sitting, it...

"RAWDEAL"

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

As a psychologist, if I have heard it once from my clients, I have probably heard it at least a thousand times, about the “raw deal” that many believed was unfairly visited upon them by an external agent for which they were injured or harmed with little recourse but to obsequiously accede and then to “bend over and take it!” After much thought, it eventually occurred to me that the “raw deal” lingo was really a conscious manifestation of an unconscious constellation of powerful ’affects,’ whereby, if the “raw deal” verbalization was viewed as an, heuristic, acronym, then by taking the...

“...Recommendation for Your Consideration...”

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

My bias is clearly explicated and wholly unequivocal. Each and every single time I deign to venture, even slightly outside my scope of professionalism and licensure, I invoke a well-rehearsed refrain that “...off the record, as a lay person in X, Y or Z field, it is my recommendation for your consideration...” In the real world of personal services consultation, in my opinion, it is generally preferable (either when the client directly engages the consultant in an explicit interrogatory or when it may be otherwise, appropriate), for the so-called expert to say that “...off the record, as a lay person in...

19:1 RULE

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

For your immediate consideration, may I suggest a little tool?Before you criticize yourself or another, please apply my 19:1 rule.If you look hard-enough for fault, you will surely find it in each and every 1.And “as you sow, so too shall you reap,” when all has been said and done.But if 19 times prior, appropriate acknowledgement is both positive and true,Then by the 20th verbalization, there shall be enormous credibility of what say you.Having said 19 “warm fuzzies,” will you then have responsibly earned...The “price of admission” to impart a lesson of the “cold prickly” you want learned.19/20 committed positive...

Foundational Algorithm of Healing and Growth

Written by Larry B. Gelman, Psy.D.

Over the course of my career as a clinical psychologist, I have thought very deeply about progress, regress and stasis. Why do some people go forward, others go backward, others still go nowhere at all? Additionally, what is elemental about the process of authentic psychotherapeutic intervention, as well as, personal mentoring which is key for any meaningful healing and growth to occur and also for all healing and growth to be meaningfully sustained? Common sense suggests that relapse is ’hard-wired’ into the human condition and achievement-to-criterion on a given task or adaptive skills-competency results and obtains either from “single-trial” learning or,...

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